Since I’m not one to discuss my emotions and then publish them on the Interwebs, I find the digital art medium to be more than expressive enough. As I work in my home office at night, I sometimes find myself saving ruined graphic work by turning it into an expression of how I’m feeling at the time. This isn’t something you plan on, it kind of just happens as the creative process does it’s thing. Sometimes you just have to “go with the flow”, or risk losing your creative edge all together.
Since I never even considered divorce as an option in any possible version of my future, I guess you could say I’m having a difficult time understanding exactly where my life is headed. Being single at 43 was not in my game plan. I’ve struggled through self doubt, guilt, hopelessness, and depression. Understandable, given the circumstances.
It wasn’t until recently that I came to a conclusion that I believe is going to get me through whatever the next phase of my “healing” is. I remembered something my father said to me after I felt like I was losing the battle against the issues I was dealing with after the bank robberies. He said, “You’re a Douglas. We’re from Scotland. NO ONE can defeat us unless we let them. We don’t ALLOW anyone to have that power over us. Ever. We have all the strength we need, right inside us.”
Which led to something my Gran has always said, also crediting our heritage … “We’ll never be given more than we can handle because what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”.
Then it dawned on me. I only had to admit ONE thing to myself, and apply it to my Ex.
[should start at 1m49seconds]
While I worked on some of my social media duties last night, I was working with one of my most recent photos, thinking I was due for a profile picture change. While editing the picture, I became frustrated with a Photoshop glitch, and angrily started distorting the picture massively. After a bit of playing, I thought it ironic that it was originally my own image that had turned into this… abstract piece that flowed really well! I laughed as I caught myself thinking that the color palette was actually very cool.
I continued to play with the image, until I went back to monitoring blogs, social media and forums. On my adventure through cyberspace, I found some awesome Photoshop styles by one of my favorite Deviant Artists, and had to test them out right away. This of course let to playing with my distorted image some more until I came up with this version:
As some of my graphic artist friends will understand, this only let to wanting a wallpaper featuring this design somehow. I’m sure I’m not the only one that winds up with several versions of a wallpaper before being satisfied. In this case, “satisfied” meant feeling as though the finished product conveyed my feelings at the moment. Remember that when viewing the wallpaper below. (click for full size) Interpret it however you *feel it*. To me, it’s a very poignant statement.
After all that, I finally got around to finding a completely NEW photo to use for my new profile pic on Facebook. Actually, my friend at work found it for me. She had taken a picture of me by surprise (something she does randomly when people walk through the office… since part of her job is taking photos of merchandise to put up on the site). I kept it nice and small, because at my age that’s just best LOL! I’m too numb inside to not keep it completely real, so plan on updating profile pics regularly so friends and family can see that I’m doing ok.